Purposeful Illusion

Dreamt i was watching a movie at work, just lying down in the back room with my laptop in front of me watching some movie.  When I realized I was at work, I thought "oh no, what am I doing?" thinking that someone was going to notice that I'd done nothing in the last two hours but watch a movie.

Yesterday I found some pdfs to read.  One was called Fringe Knowledge for Beginners, which I read last night, which was all right, but since I'm apparently not a beginner, none of this was new to me.  Additionally, I would have expanded on some things and included some source material instead of just saying some things, which seem rather far out if you are a beginner.  It also focused a bit too much on negative entities and such.  It's all right to know they exist, but to have chapter after chapter about them seemed like too much emphasis.

I also got some varied stuff about OBEs and a manual about remote viewing.  And then today the ninja asked if I knew much about remote viewing.  I guess I should be used to such things by now, and they are inevitable if we accept that we live within a unified mind field.  Everything is connected.  We are never isolated, even when we feel it keenly. 

Hope everyone's having a beautiful day.

Sometimes there's such love in my heart it wells forth from me.  That's how I feel today, like everything is made of love.  I hope that's so.  Maybe that makes it easier to heal.

Dream: 

I had my PSP (playstation portable, for thou laymen), and I was cleaning the buttons.  The analog stick pushed in and then popped out like a spool.  I could take out the whole area surrounding it, and it somehow reminded me of the inner workings of a camera.  

Non dream:  finished the storyline gameplay of Star Ocean: First Departure.  There are many characters and events I didn't play through the first time so I am probably going to replay it.  What is up with the bosses in games not being even remotely difficult anymore?  I only used one item and it was to restore MP to my healer--no one was KOed.  I was on the boss fight and still had my characters using sucky moves so they could learn new ones instead of their powerful ones.  I might actually shell out whatever it is to get the PSP remake of SO2, which is one of my favorite games evar (I have several favorite games evar, however) just so I can play it at work.  On break, of course.  Ugh job.  Need something else to be doing.

And this is why I haven't worked on any projects, neither book reading, writing or website development.  One of these days.  Maybe.  I think I wanted a vacation from myself for a little while.  Too bad weeks become months and months become years.  Good thing none of this actually exists and that nothing really matters all that much.  Haha.

I had a dream I was in a Star Ocean (Playstation video game) styled landscape.  I was with many people, not as bodies I guess but as entities surrounding me, and we were going to a mountain cave for me to have some kind of experience with the energies of the place. 

I also had a dream I bought a swimsuit that was made of denim.  It also had short sleeves and buttoned up the chest.  The bottom of it was like shorts.  I thought it would be good to sit in the sun in today.

My diet has basically been sugar.  Mountain Dew (the game fuel sorts), cereal, and I had some pasta last night.  This is crap.  My blood sugar is probably wacked out to the megamax.  I was going to bring tomatoes and cucumbers to work yesterday but discovered everything in my crisper had been neglected for so long it was inedible.  Except the two pound bag of baby carrots.  Carrots are awesome.  I was eating a half pound of them a day but then I was reminded that people turn orange from such things.  How did I go from eating beautiful salads every day to sucking soda again (and eating little else besides -_-)?  At least I was drinking it instead of eating so it wasn't extra calories.  Haha I'll be back on super veggie awesomeness tonight though.  I'm just tired of food in general though.

I know being depressed gets me thinking in ridiculous ways, but I haven't been this far off (spiritually) in over a year.  I did make a conscious decision to try to throw myself into the physical world more so I would get tired of it and motivated to really go in the other direction, but now, instead of just being spiritually/mental/emotionally stagnant, I am also physically stagnant (and the same old not caring enough to actuallly get caught up in it thing prevents this plan from working anyway.  Sooooo we'll have to come up with something else, because I'm pretty dissatisfied.

The other night I listened to two David Wilcock radio shows, and for some reason, listening to him reminds me of how wonderful it is to have this opportunity on this planet at this time.  It's still an opportunity I'm not sure how to take, aside from web publishing stuff (which I've tried to motivate myself towards again), but a beautiful one all the same.  There's only so much one can glean from books.  I have to give up some of the extra awake time I've been taking so I can ease myself into a hypnogogic state and possibly launch into lucid dreaming.  Best way to remember dreams.

Every moment is an opportunity to choose the highest experience you can think of.  I really need to start taking advantage of these opportunities.

Much love and light.

I dreamt nearly an entire romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock.  Basically, she has a fairy godfather who talks like he's in the mafia (mentions wacking people at some point?) and insists she's going to marry an Italian guy.  He keeps leading her from guy to guy and each one ends up propelling her in some way a little bit more towards meeting the "one" for her.  She thinks she's crazy, but sometimes other people see the godfather too, (when he wants them to) and sometimes no one sees him but her, such as when he wants to look under the stalls in the women's bathroom and she can't yell at him because there are other people around.

In one such interaction with a dude she thinks to be a possible suitor (but actually isn't--her "true love" guy is actually played by Robin Williams at the end, but I woke up right at a crucial moment in the plot so I never got to see the end), the guy ends up helping her sell her house, which brings her enough money to go to Italy to meet her future husband.  There were several interesting camera here and there, but then again it was dream-consciousness so they might have been impossible in the "waking" world.  There was also some mention that the fairy godfather had been her husband in a prior life, but she was the one who remembered this so she got a little more comfortable around him.

The godfather either gave her a guy's last name or gave a guy Sandra's character's last name to get in contact with her, and I realized that this was getting really close to finding Robin William's character but then I woke up and thought, "Oh man, I kind of wanted to see what was going to happen..."  I liked that it wasn't a usual romantic comedy in that when she meets her romantic interest is basically the end of the movie, but at the same time, it's kind of funny that the meaning had to be cloaked in a movie format. 

My interpretation is pretty much that I was Bullock's character and I keep fighting my inner guidance instead of just letting go.  I distrust because I am fearful of remaining in my current situation, but that worry has left me in the same place for months upon months.  I know she's representative of me because I was her in one scene, where I'd been taking a bath and decided to clean the walls (because I was selling the house) by splashing bathwater onto them then going at them with a sponge mop.  Bathing is like immersing oneself in spirit, and spreading the spirit around to reveal the hidden nature of things is probably one of my major goals in this lifetime. 

Funny that I really hadn't gotten the interpretation until I sat here to type it.  

So I decided I would write a story about an entity who individualized and who would like to return to the whole, but it just ended up being random mind burbling. Here.

( No story shall ever come from this.... )

Yep.

Let's see.  What's up...?

Oh yes, work.

And video games, because I can't write.  Or read.  Or think/feel/do.  bBecause when I look around inside, there's nothing to be found.  Oh the melodrama!

What else, what else...

Work, video games... am I missing anything?  Has anything else been going on?  Hmm...  Nope.  Nope, that's it.  Oh right, sleeping.  I've been sleeping sometimes too.





Help plz.  lol
(I actually don't want help, by the way.  I just want something else to be going on.)

My dissatisfaction has reached into my days off.  Maybe it's because I am not using that time towards something outward anymore.  As if there was an outward.  I decided to try meditating yesterday because the restlessness made me want to peel away my flesh and float up out into the stars.  Instead, I just sat there weeping.  Looking around for whatever caused such a thing left me with nothing except that logically, I must feel disconnected and isolated.  

Obviously.

I know not how to remedy this.  It was better after the ninja awoke, and I realized that other people are a way to experience a bit of the divine, although filtered through their personalities.  Light shining through a filter is still beautiful in any form.  Or maybe he provided a welcome distraction.  Either way, I was grateful.  I am not empty or numb.  I don't know what this sorrow is.  I felt an old familiar pain aching through my chest and down my fingers.  It's desperate.  It's need.  And it too is illusion.  

Illusion.  Again, I slip out of taking anything seriously, even though it keeps on, and on, and on without relent.  I don't know how to step out of my thoughts. I must not want it enough to do so.  But it doesn't matter either, which makes everything seem laughable in the same time that it seems almost a little tragic.  Perhaps I am just lazy and selfish.  I do not like the way people live in this world, but I don't know how else to live.  I lack the will to discover something new.  I lack the ambition and motivation, because it just doesn't matter.  At least this "nothing matters" state isn't the horribly depressing one, but I certainly wish I could cycle back to the recognition of joyous liberation, because this limbo state plain sucks.  ^_^

Yesterday, I was in the Greek Orthodox room (the room of our apartment that faces the Greek Orthodox church) and the light from the blinds was coming in just so, reflecting off of the cream-hued label of an empty bottle of vanilla chai.  The light gleamed, and as I watched it, my vision swelled up with light.

It's all light, I thought, and what I saw vanished to normalcy.  Oh no, how can I look at it again without trying to see everything as light again?  After a few moments of watching myself try, the light once again filled my vision.  This is what it really looks like, I thought.  There is nothing but light, undifferentiated light.

There are only two ways to see:  either by reflection, which is how we see the world around us--an implicit distortion of reality--or by facing the source itself.  Look past the apparition.  Nothing exists as it seems to, save the infinite, eternal light.

It’s been awhile since I have felt compelled to write anything at all. I feel as though I am growing as dim as the world that appears to surround me. The only way people get out of a situation is through some sort of momentum, but inertia’s friction has ground me down to a crawl with a view of the impossibly steep incline that awaits me. Passion is motion. It is momentum. I lack it. I don’t know how to be passionate about things anymore.

When I was young, my passion was writing and the idea of love. Writing was a means of escape, long before it became a recognizable way to self-examine. I wrote and wrote through my youth, propelled by the desire to escape my surroundings and the circumstances I had found myself in. No dead ends for me. I was going to go somewhere. I was going to do something. And then I fell in love.

( I hadn't given much thought... )
There is no change, there are only choices.

I spent over a week in Sage and barely got to see my cousins.  I miss them.  Anyway, I got to see my mom more than usual and we went on a movie watching spree:  Star Trek, Up in 3D, Earth and because she wanted to, Drag Me to Hell.  Moma was supposed to rent a car on Saturday but there was a new guy there who wouldn't rent to her because they no longer take water bills as an acceptable proof of address.  Because it was a new guy, he didn't know she rents from them all the freaking time, so he single-handedly wrecked my moma's vacation.  I decided to stay in Sage longer to make up for it, and spent almost all the rest of the time with her.  We didn't do much work.  It was usually too cold and/or rainy, which was fine with me, though I was kind of looking forward to working in the garden.

I've been reading A Course in Miracles and was going through the lessons for students only to find that in my personal practice, I was already far ahead than the lessons start out.  I am thoroughly enjoying the text, however.  It was hard to read on the bus.  I was sitting in front of three ladies from Jamaica, so I spent several hours listening to them and figuring out how the cadence of speech works so I could catch their words a bit better.  The sky was beautiful (when is it not?) and I kept dozing off.  I feel pretty well rested, though all the shadows and weirdness going on with my vision would have me believe otherwise.

I am looking forward to having tomorrow off with the ninja, though I will probably end up sleeping through a lot of it.  I took two extra days off from work, but it should be all right.  I am tempted to take Thursday off too, just because it would only count as one absence, but really, I can't afford to skip any more days, no matter how much I am currently railing against my employment.  

I started to remember one this morning but it didn't stick with me.

A few days ago, the ninja and I were discussing the effect geometry has on the aether/torsion field, and I was telling him what Ra said in book three of the Law of One series about how the energy acted in these forms.  Even the skeletal structure of pyramids, cylinders, cones and such etc made of various materials excepting baser metals focus the aether in useful ways.  I mentioned that the pointy hats of wizards and witches were probably designed in such a way for that purpose, and that dunce caps were probably originally intended to increase the intelligence of the wearer rather than as a form of ridicule.

So today, the ninja was falling asleep and for the second time in the same amount of days, I felt drawn to Dr. Serge Kahili King’s book Urban Shaman. I have had this book sitting on my shelf for a good four or so years now, and I’ve only looked through the first chapter or so.  Today I picked it up and could not put it down, reading it straight through.  I couldn’t believe how absolutely perfectly it is meshing with the information of Seth and Ra, and then all of a sudden he starts talking about geometrical effects on directing the background energy (which his Hawaiian tradition refers to as kimana).  And then page 182, not only does he talk about pyramids and tetrahedrons but cones and cylinders.  “Instead of suspending the cone, it can be worn as a cap, as long as you don’t mind the implications.  Actually, the dunce cap may originally have been designed to make its wearer smarter.” 

I had to laugh out loud, actually.  And aside from the nifty synchronicity, it’s a freaking awesome book.  Lots of really good information in practical down to earth language, and he is right—we already know plenty about shamanism without really thinking about it in those terms.  While it’s true that much of what is in this book isn’t quite new, it’s put in a way that makes it seem so incredibly practical and refreshing that I’ve read nearly the whole thing in a single sitting.

Additionally, when I was in middle or early high school, I had this epic dream about this blond man in white who I knew was my spiritual mate (maybe on another plane).  I gave him other names later, but in the dream his name was pronounced like Moe-gool.  In this dream I was sleeping beside him, but woke up and he was gone.  Then I went outside and was talking to sticks and twigs and animals and pretty much everything.  There was this wire cage in the front yard, and this raccoon took a bit of lizard meat from the cage (his hands passed through the wires) and a sizable log (who was called Stick) yelled at him:  “How could you do that?!  Mogul could come back from that, and now you’ve eaten him!”  It was understood that Mogul was a shapeshifter who could become a big lizard.

A little while later, I was reading something (wish I could remember) and this guy was visiting Hawaii.  He mentioned to someone about seeing these two women in white out by this marshy place, and the other person freaked out, because there were stories of beings who appeared as women in white but could take the form of big lizards.  They were called mo’o.  Pretty similar to Mogul.

So today, reading Dr. King’s book, he mentions a technique of surrounding one’s self with a particular sort of light.  The light is called La’a kea which means “sacred light,” and refers to daylight, knowledge, happiness.  It’s also used to refer to an aura charged with the same.  In my Rivermist stories, the personified and abstract forms of the Divine Light/Love/Unity is called “Laki.”

Maybe I oughta go to Hawaii after all.  Apparently I’ve been there before.

<3

I just got a Tweet from space.  How sweet is that?

I was over a vast landscape, supposedly in a flying saucer.  It felt very CG/video game-like, as I was trying to figure out what to do next.  There was a large light green ring of light that circulated in particles (toriodal motion), and I kept trying to interact with it somehow, but nothing happened, so I figured there had to be something else to do.

We descended to the surface (the being I was with took on the form of a girl (older than middle schooler but to say teenager sounds wrong)) and shrank the craft we were in.  The girl wanted ice cream, so we hovered in front of a “place your order sign” at a fast food restaurant.

“Hello, McDonald’s!” the girl called.

“This is Burger King,” the speaker replied.

We went inside and got in line (the girl had a grandfather, who seemed like a programmed robot guardian so we'd be left alone), which was more like a cafeteria line running parallel to the counter rather than perpendicular.  When we got to the counter, she ordered two ice cream things (like a McFlurry) and when the guy behind the counter said they were two dollars apiece and seemed really doubtful that we had the money, the girl dismissed him and said “We must build them!” in a comical dramatic Invader Zim/Orthopox sort of way.

A montage proceeded, and she got lenticular ice from the drink machine on some paper towels and began to salt it vigorously.  There was an image of a hand with orange pieces of Reese’s pieces or M&M looking candy, then threw them into a cup, and then there were a few moments of us each shaking up our concoctions. 

At the end of the montage, she was eating ice cream out of her cup, and I had a strawberry Danish sort of thing with ice cream wrapped around it and I was confused as to why the ice cream flavors hadn’t penetrated the pastry.  The grandpa-bot hadn’t liked the music in the montage and said “Let’s never listen to that again!”

Interpretation:  Uh.... well, the lenticular shape kept coming up, with the saucer itself, the ice and the candy pieces, as well (somewhat) as the green ring of light in the sky.  Not sure what it means though.  If nothing else, my dreams are entertaining.  Does anyone else have music montages in their dreams?  This is not the first, second or even the third I've had.  Haha.

Yay at existence!

More to come later.

So, I came to the library today.  Came up the stairs, looked at a chair, and came to sit down, only to find this book sitting here waiting for me:



Many Were Called-Few Were Chosen:  The Story of Mother Earth and the Earth-Based Volunteers.  I looked through the beginning and I disagree right off the bat about Earth being unique in all the universe, but I'll probably check it out.  Though just the book itself is a strong enough message.  So thank you for the message, whoever you are.  I got the distinct feeling of laughter.  I have to laugh along, because it is pretty funny.

So, I've been attempting to focus on writing for the website thing, and came up with some topics for articles to write.

Articles

What is a wanderer?/relates to the nature of the soul/entity

2012/Shift of the Ages

Infinite nature of reality/soul/existence

Does it take faith or imagination?  Creating your experience

Mystical experience/direct experience

Negativity and how to deal with it

Dreams and what they tell us about ourselves

Lucid dreaming

ESP as a natural state of mind

Extraterrestrials/Interdimensional entities

Useful channeled material (ra, seth)

Love and Control

Love and fear

How can I be pumped when I started to post this and already think it's a waste of time?  Man.  Can we get hopeful again, kiddo?

A note: I remember when the recounts were completed and it was determined that George W. Bush was going to be president, I believed we would be going to war in the Middle East again. I wondered by thinking that if I chose that reality to experience, even back then. I used to be more conscientious about my thoughts, but now so many of the thoughts I used to consciously direct occur without conscious effort.

Rather than seeking the light or love in the moment, it seems to come to me. I was taking a bunched up mass of plastic wrap off of a pallet at work the other day and suddenly thought, “This is God!” This is the reality that I am choosing. I am choosing to experience mass awakening. I am choosing to experience a new, more harmonious world. And I am choosing to see the old ways move aside to make way. We do not need anything outside of ourselves to govern and control. We can come into our own and make our way into a life wherein everyone is aware of collective and individual responsibilities.

Each one of us chooses the reality we experience. It is not necessary at any moment to choose anything but the highest and brightest vision/possibility. And if you do not have it in mind already, you can create it. “Nothing is to be overcome. That which is not needed falls away.”

I have decided that projecting the highest love and light I am capable of will become something I am, rather than something I do. This will create an opportunity to find other ways to extend further and find other manifestations of service… Including my stories.

When you figure in that global warming has been happening on all the planets in the solar system, not just Earth (do you remember Venus being as bright as it is now? It’s become 2500% brighter in just the last thirty years—at least, according to NASA). The polar caps on Mars are melting too. Sunspot cycles are wild. We’ve never seen anything like them. So while I’m all for conservation and being ecologically aware, it’s not just us bringing about these changes. Everything is changing, and it more than likely has to do with the Earth cycle demonstrated above.

( Read more... )

At work the other day, I stumbled upon a discussion one dude was having with another regarding a Creationist who believed that if you didn’t believe the Earth was X years old, you just didn’t have the right religion. After listening for a little while, one of them said something that spurred me to give the remark, “I think the Bible is all about aliens. Ezekiel carried into heaven by a wheel of fire? Yeah, UFO.”


There was laughter, as I meant for there to be, just by the way I said it, but at the same time I meant it. The Old Testament makes far more sense to me in the context of extraterrestrial interaction. ( Moses saw God's back )

More in part 2.